The Comedy Thesaurus: 3,241 Quips, Quotes, and Smartass Remarks, Judy Brown

Gerrit van Honthorst, Portrait of a Laughing Violinist

(September 11) All summer I've been toiling through The Success Principles, apparently becoming a slower and slower reader every time I open the book. However, I'm determined to finish it -- I'm not letting myself read any other book till I do, the sole exception being to dip occasionally into The Comedy Thesaurus, which Eileen gave us for our anniversary last year. I've dipped into it so often I've actually finished this 446-page "treasury" ahead of The Success Principles.

It's a great read -- obviously -- it's a compilation of the wittiest quips made by the world's best English-speaking comedians. Judy Brown's contribution to this money-maker is the arrangement of the clever remarks into encyclopedia-type categories, like "Clowns," "Divorce," "Life," "Soap," etc., and subcategories, like "Doctors, Questionable Practices" and "Doctors, Waiting Rooms." The categories exist mostly to have headings to break up the text. Whatever. The jokes are still funny.

The comedians who surprise me into laughing out loud most consistently, time after time, are Steven Wright and Emo Philips, and to a lesser degree (because there isn't as much of them in this collection) Richard Lewis, Gary Shandling and Judy Tenuta.

Some of my favourites:

Emo Philips:
I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into corners very well."

What do you give a kid with seven fingers on one hand? Firecrackers.

When it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a moderately well-managed Presbyterian Youth Centre.

I've learned about women the hard way: through books.

Steven Wright:
I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Is "tired old cliché" one?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I put instant coffee into the microwave. I almost went back in time.

I was arrested for selling illegal-size paper.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?

I went into a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Gary Shandling:
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

I grew up in Tucson, Arizona, where it's 120 degrees in the summer. One day our dog burst into flames. We thought we were going to have to start a backfire on the cat.

I got a jaywalking ticket, which is the dumbest ticket of all. I said, "Is this going to go on my record, or can I go to Walking School and have this taken off?"

Judy Tenuta:
I majored in nursing. I had to drop it. I ran out of milk.

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."

How many of you ever started dating someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide?